DZAllen.net
“The only thing I ever wanted was a monkey.”
“What?” Ray said. He nodded his head like he knew what I was talking about and took a healthy
bite out of his hoagie. “You mean like a chimp or something?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Or one of those little Spider Monkeys. I think that’s what they call
them. But a chimp could be great.”
“I hear they stink.”
He had a point. I had heard that too. “Yeah, but what doesn’t stink. Any kind of pet can stink.”
“Fish? I don’t think fish stink.”
He had another point. I decided to let it drop. My Bento was getting cold. There’s this great little
Bento stand that Ray and I go to for lunch most weekdays. Ray usually grabs a sandwich from a
local shop while I get my grilled chicken and rice. We meet by the fountain in Pioneer Square and
talk about stupid stuff. Ray’s an easy going kind of guy. He’s low maintenance. I like low
maintenance friends. Ray kinda hangs in the background. We email once a week or so. We have
our lunches and our talks. It’s nice.
“I found a condom in Shelly’s purse,” Ray said. He just spit it out like he was telling me that it
looked like it was going to rain or something.
“What were you doing in her purse?” I asked.
He laughed and then mumbled that I was a smart ass. “She lets me go in and get change from her
wallet…do women call that other purse thing they keep in their purse a wallet?”
“I have no idea. I know drastically little about their inner world. Maybe it’s an inner purse.”
“A mini-purse?”
“A purse within a purse.”
“Whatever it is,” he said, “I was going through the little change purse attached to the side of the
wallet thing—"
“That makes three purses!”
“I don’t know if the change purse counts as a third official purse because it’s physically attached to
the wallet purse thingy.” Ray said.
“We need to talk to someone about this. Get this purse controversy ironed out.”
“I agree.” Ray took another bite of his sandwich. “So the bigger issue here is the condom.”
God this was a good Bento. The hot sauce was perfect. If there was any justice in the world, the
Bento man would be a millionaire. I nodded my head in support of the condom issue.
“I mean, we haven’t used a condom in years. Why would she have a condom in her purse?”
Ray wasn’t panicking about it like I would’ve been. He was just asking a question. But then that’s
Ray.
“Did you ask her about it?”
“What am I going to ask? Hey honey, you bangin' the gardner?”
I shook my head and took another hit of Pepsi. “I don’t think she’d see the humor in that kind of
approach. You could just ask her why there's a condom in her purse.”
"The direct approach. Risky but results oriented. I like it."
"Maybe she's saving it for a special occasion," I said.
"Like what? A new UPS guy?"
"No. Like if you're out somewhere and she forgot to take her pill or something."
Ray shook his head. "I'm cut, remember?"
"Ah, yes. The operation." I crossed my legs, simulating discomfort. Any time I thought about
surgical appliances approaching my goodies I cramped up a bit.
"You're such a wimp," Ray said. "Getting cut makes life so much easier. You and Connie could go
at it like a couple of high school kids."
"You mean awkwardly groping each other then me finishing half a minute after I start."
Ray smiled. "Sounds like paradise, huh?"
I took another bite of my chicken and nodded my head. "Yup. Paradise."
Truth was Connie and I hadn't had sex in six months.
I checked my watch, lunch was over. I had to get back to the office. I made a mental note to call
Ray's wife Shelly. We'd have to be more careful with our contraception or this little tryst was going
to get blown wide open.
The Condom